Love is in the Air, or is it just Gas?

I know that everyone has been waiting patiently on pushpins and pine-needles for the proper completion to this post. And now it is time to tell you how it is done, how to close the deal, get out of the inning, float the keg, in other words, how to land the fish once you’ve got her on the hook.

The prerequisite for this part of the course is that you have successfully strung together a series of marvelously successful dates. The subject has been thoroughly wined, dined, and charmed. Let me congratulate you for making it this far. I realize what you have been through to get here. You’ve listened to more Kelly Clarkson CD’s and romantic comedy soundtracks than a Gitmo detainee. You have attained heights of control over your bodily functions of which lesser men dare not even dream. Be encouraged, comrade, those days have come to an end. Now is the time to press forward in phase two of the Creep’s foolproof plan for securing the troth of the subject. We call this phase, Operation Ugly Side. You may be able to guess where we are headed, but do not get ahead of yourself. Pealing back the layer of cuddly perfection must be carefully done in strategic stages.

A. The Car
No doubt to this point you have kept your coach-o-love in pristine shape. This has meant either frequent and expensive trips to Mr. Carwash for the lazy ones among you, or hours of sweat equity for our more industrious brothers. This is stage one of the reveal. The areas of exposure will become progressively intimate, but we must ease her into your slovenliness.

This is, of course, the old kill-a-frog-by-slowly-heating-up-the-water trick. So we start with the primary environment of every American courtship: the automobile. First, let a nice layer of dust and grime collect. No exterior washing for weeks. The inside must still be kept tidy. Consciously the subject will still be convinced of your cleanliness, while subconsciously she grows accustomed to the grime accumulating on the outside.

Then, slowly, introduce a few elements of chaos to the interior. A fast food cup here, a few pieces of paper there (Google maps to a new restaurant are always a good idea). Slowly, the back floorboards should be covered and filled with discarded paper goods, CD cases, etc. This stage should take about 3 months in total. Then on to stage 2, the person.

B. Bye Bye Mach 3
We all know that you have never shaved this much in your life. You’re face has been baby’s-bottom smooth for months now, and we all understand that your endurance is lagging at this point. Cut your shaving frequency in half. You want some visible stubble developing here. And this is a key step. At this point the subject will have two possible reactions. Reaction A is negative, “What is that stuff on your face?” This is a clear sign that the reveal is happening too quickly. If this is what you hear the first time the subject sees the stubbly you, you must immediately revert back to clean-shaven you. I cannot stress this enough. You have not thoroughly wooed the subject. Clean out the car, go back to Mr. Carwash. Do not attempt the Operation Ugly Side for at least 30 days.

The reaction you want, and the reaction that gives you the green light for moving forward is this: “Awww, I like your manly stubble.” If this is accompanied by any facial caressing, you know she is putty in your hands. If you have achieved this, comrade, then there is little else that I can teach you.

There are many different aspects to letting your person go to seed. It may begin with something small, like acknowledging that you actually do occasionally have to visit the men’s room. Perhaps one day you will skip a shower, but keep it to yourself, of course. But we all know what the real issue is here. That’s right, the climax of this stage is oft attempted but rarely achieved: Successfully breaking the Fart Barrier. There is little instruction I can give you about exactly how you should go about this yourself. Some like to let a small one slip during an evening walk. If you chicken out or get an unwelcoming vibe, you can always blame it on a barking dog or your shoe. Sometimes it is better if you don’t think about it too much. Just let yourself relax and the event will take care of itself in in the course of battle. You’ll bend over to pick something up off the ground, and wham! it will happen. Again, the reaction here is key. You’re looking for laughter, jokes, or the best of all possible reactions: reciprocated flatulence. Has true love a more beautiful name than this? The Creep’s ears know of no such name.

But, you ask, what happens if there is no such reaction? How do you deal with unrequited gas? This is indeed a problem, but not an insurmountable one. You must respond with a solid fortnight of impeccable hygiene. Attention to detail is vital: ear wax, fingernails, and nose hair are all areas that are often overlooked. Let no body part go unturned. Whatever you do, do not resort to accusations. Though the statistics are on your side, do not ever, under any circumstances, accuse an anti-farter that they indeed also at times pass gas. This is a battle that you cannot win. It seems that the fairer sex is so skilled in masking flatulence – what with their frequent trips to the powder room and such – that you have a better chance of spotting a big foot than you do of catching a woman “in the act.” The best option here is to let time work its magic. Try again in a month and see if you get a different reaction. There will always be some who are more resistant and they will feel forced by laws of propriety and decorum to disapprove, but even the toughest nut will eventually be cracked. After all, it is a law of the universe: farting is funny.

C. The Grizzly Underbelly of the Soul
Once you have achieved full fart freedom in your relationship, you are ready to move on to the third and final stage of Operation Ugly Side. No doubt that you have been on your best behavior to this point. You have said nothing incriminating. In her eyes, you are a gentle teddy bear who loves all things cute and cuddly. This phase is the most sensitive because some miscreants see this stage as license to be jerks. Let it be stated that the Creep repudiates such behavior. Rather, the point of stage 3 is simply to allow for more honesty. Allowable areas of scrutiny: clothing and apparel, music and movies, dogs and cats, other people, and vices. Here you are allowed to say something like, “I think Capri pants are ridiculous.” Of course you want to be careful here if you have noticed that your subject exclusively wears Capri pants. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot. Put your musical tastes out on the table; be willing to admit that you don’t ever want to see the movie Monster In-law. But at the same time you must be genuinely willing to give something a try if the other party insists. Of course here is a great time to introduce the barter system. “If we watch Sound of Music tonight, then tomorrow we can watch Fargo! Deal?” This is the stage where you can admit, “I will watch Monster In-law because I love you and I want to spend time with you, but I think J-Lo should go back to being a Selena impersonator.” Love is honest, after all.

Engaging
This is the end of the line friends. Some of you will get disembark here, buy a diamond ring, and live happily ever after with your mate. Congratulations, kids. Others of you will take the train back down the line to singles-ville and try again. Keep your chin up. You haven’t found that special someone who is wiling to put up with your unique breed of gross quite yet, but she’s out there. Do you need any proof? Let me present you with exhibit A, the Creep. Miracles still happen, friends.

Phew! This is really stinkin’ long isn’t it? I mean, it is ridiculous. Don’t you have something else you should be doing? Well, it has been quite a journey. Some of you may say that I’m engaged in spite of my methods and not because of them. You have my pity for your inability to conceal your jealousy. We are not all equally gifted friends, especially in this crazy little game called love. Let me leave with this. In the movie The Tao of Steve, the motto was, “be desireless. be excellent. be gone.” But to those crude and immoral methods I and all responsible lovers say “nay.” Instead hear this, my motto for finding, beginning, and securing true love: be passionate, be flatulent, and be married and have lots of babies. Cheers!